I sit here staring at the screen hoping for inspiration. It has been over 3 months since I last shared my thoughts and feelings on Carmen's birthday. I have already said, in many ways this blog has matured into something far more than a place to share information. More and more, I realize that this was/is a therapeutic outlet for Heather and I to share. Actually...it has grown into something that I have felt pressure to make sure I am writing something worth reading and create a document to capture a moment in time. I found that doing this well has usually required some sort of inspiration - whether it was happy or sad. Since starting this blog, that inspiration has come solely from our beautiful princess.
Life is now about putting one foot in front of the other. Crying when I am sad, laughing when I am happy, waking each day with a desire to make my TLP proud and being the best dad and husband I can be. Life is never about moving on. It is about moving forward. And...it takes everything I have and leaves little room for inspiration for the blog.
The pain of not being able to hold Carmen, kiss her, laugh with her, spin her around when she ran to me when I came home from work and tuck her in at night hurts every second of every day. At the same time...we are in a place that is okay.
In some strange way, Heather and I are proud of Carmen. Proud of her for having the strength and courage to become spirit.
As parents you always think your child is perfect but we all know they are not. Though Heather and I would always keep this to ourselves, we both felt that Carmen was a bit awkward. She never quite looked comfortable in her little body. I do not mean this to be a negative or sad thing. On the contrary. Carmen always looked like she was going to take flight. Almost as if her body was holding her back. She tip toed everywhere. And when she ran, it was as if she really was going to take off.
Watching her wear shoes was the funniest thing. You never want to laugh at your child, at least not in front of them.....but...... wow did she look funny. Even when she wore her little pink Crocs it looked like she was wearing clown shoes. When you took those shoes off or put her in the water she was as fast and graceful as you could ever imagine a child. "Liberated".... is the only word that comes to mind. She would be gone. A million miles away in her little world, full of ferries and little kittens. When we would try to enter that world, we would see such passion, such freedom. Her wide eyes, those beautiful eyes, seeking and searching for adventure.
The body she chose in life was broken and stopped working. Or did it??? What if that little body was just too small? What if it held her back and stopped her from flying? She profoundly changed thousands of lives in her short time with us. What if she was supposed to change millions of lives?
We are the ones left to ask those questions. To look for answers to the "why's" and the "why not's".
But.....what if we stop asking these questions and listen? Truly listen.
Maybe.....just maybe......the answer is all around us and all we have to do is be open enough to hear it.
Above all else Carmen stood for LOVE.
I am not always in a good place but when I am I see Carmen free and full of light & love. A light that is so bright I can barely look at it.
She is Free to Love with nothing holding her back.
We should all be so lucky.
I hope we are making you proud my Tough Little Princess.
Mommy and Daddy
Heather, Trevor and myself are doing okay. Thank you for all of your on going support.
Love and Light
Images of the Moment
Trevor Christopher White, Photographer
Pre School Graduation
Time to start shaving
Celebrating Grandma and Grandpa White's - 51st!!!!!
My name is Trevor and I am 5!!!!!
Daddy misses you baby.