Our Sweet Angel

Our Sweet Angel

Saturday, October 18, 2014

I Miss You So Much

Aloha Carmen,

It's Daddy.   I miss you so much.   I just want to see your smile and shining eyes like in this picture.  Your smile and eyes always gave so much love without you saying a word.  

It is so hard to believe that we celebrated the 2nd anniversary of your Angel Day last week.  I still can’t fully accept you are gone and not coming home.  Some days when I drive down the drive way after work, I think you are going to come bolting out the front door to greet me. Or run to me yelling for me to spin you around like a fairy.   Then my mind remembers seeing you take your last breath and then I realize this is never going to happen.  Those final minutes your Mommy and I had with you still beckon so many questions, bringing out feelings of anger and putting me in a place I do not like to be.

At the same time, I know you are where you are suppose to be.  The transition for you was as it should have been.  It is your Mommy and I, who have to deal with the fact that you are no longer with us the way we want.  We know you are still with us every second, just in a different way but it is so incredibly hard to stay in this space when so many influences in life pull us out of this higher vibration.

Mommy continues to be so strong and finds amazing ways to keep our family strong.  She keeps in touch with other Mommy's who have experienced the loss of a child and tries to find ways to help and relate.   There seem to be an endless amount of stories out there of sweet little babies like you who are ripped from their parents hearts.  When Mommy tells me about the new stories of parents having to cope with their loss my heart hurts as I know too well the journey they are on.  Mommy also tries to keep herself engaged with parents who are experiencing their child's battle with Cancer.   I can not help but feel a bit of jealously when I hear the stories because even though they are fighting the fight of their lives, they are still able to kiss their baby good night.  Fortunately, your Mommy is much stronger than I am because I still have such a hard time hearing about these stories.  I am of course, empathetic to their situation but I am still so wrapped up in my desire to hold you again that I find it  hard dealing with the pain of others.   If I could talk to those parents, I would want to grab them and tell them to stay in the moment the best they can. All they have is today.

In your own way, I know that you are teaching this to Mommy and me.  To stay in the present and appreciate the love that is all around us. 

In so many funny ways, we see you all around us. Especially since we brought Jake home from China in July.  And other powerful ways, like how you watch over your brother Trevor and keep him safe and strong.  I know you are proud of your little brother.  He is seriously one of the brightest, shiniest, bravest little boy's I have ever met.  He misses you so much and I can hear him dreaming about you at night.  Your mother and I wish we could take credit for how well he continues to deal with his best friend and sister being taken from him but he is solely responsible. He has an incredibly healthy view of what happened to you.  I know in my heart this is because you are with him all the time.

Last week we celebrated Jake's second birthday and also visited your Koa tree that we planted for you two years ago.   We have a two year tradition now of doing something on your day to celebrate your life.  This year we took Grandpa and Trevor zip lining.  Ironically...you would have probably hated zip lining but it was a fitting tribute to honor your courage and love of flight.   

When we planted your tree, I had a chance to walk off to be myself for a few minutes.  I found it odd, that although I am so happy to have Jake in our lives, I can not help but feel a little melancholy.  All these things we have done since you left us two years ago would have never happened.  Planting your Koa Tree, raising $88K for LLS, dedicating your garden, starting Carmen's Makana to help other kids with Cancer and welcoming Jake into our lives.   Although your Mommy and I, have tried to make you proud of us we would give it all up just to hold you once more, to hear your laugh and to see those stunning eyes.  We love Jake with all our hearts and are so happy to have him in our lives.  It's just I want it all.   I want Jake to be part of our family and I want more than anything for him to know his big sister.  But....I know that will never happen.  At least not in the world we understand or choose to reside in.

Sweet baby...please continue to do your work.  Help all the children who have had to leave their mommies and daddies.   Visit us when you can.  Stay close to your brothers.

We love you so much.

With love and light,

Mommy and Daddy