The 9th

Aloha Carmen.

Daddy and Mommy miss you so much.  There are so many more good days then there are bad days but today is not one of those days. 

Nineteen months ago you transitioned to spirit and although we know you are with us we would love to just kiss you and hug you so much.  It’s hard to live knowing this will never happen and still try to go on thinking about our future.   When I think about today I know I need to be strong but all I want to do is scream!!!  It is brutal to think about your stunning eyes full of light looking up at me, knowing that I can not see them again.  To want to grab you and spin you around, knowing that it is not possible.   I keep telling myself over and over that you are where you need to be and your spirit is so much bigger than I could ever imagine but honestly I just can not help but wonder, WHY???  Why can't I hold my sweet baby girl.   I know any parent would feel this way but the pain is unbearable when it starts to control me instead of me controlling it.

I know in my heart that I never took you for granted but there are definitely moments that I wish I made different choices and had more patience with you.  I have to admit, I do feel regret when I think about these choices now.   Thinking about these moments, when thought it was so important to discipline you or say "no" seems so stupid now.  But at the same time....you showed us how to live and fight.  I never once thought you would not be in my life.   If I lived thinking you were going to be gone I am sure I would have made different choices but that was never in our mind.   I always assumed I would see you grow up to be a beautiful woman.  To see you finish school and discover the world.  To walk you down the isle one day and see you become a mother and love your children like your mother loves you.   

Now, all that is gone and it is pointless for me to look backwards.   You taught us to live with love and that is all I can do.  The only thing that works for us; is to keep your legacy of love and light alive.

As you know, Team White has been busy and is close to welcoming Jake Junhao to the team.   So many incredible things are happening with Jake that we know you are involved making all this unfold perfectly.

Trevor is such an amazing boy because he had such an incredible big sister.   There have been a few fun things that have happened to Trevor recently, the Harlem Globetrotters and May Day Celebration, that made us so proud of him.   When I watch Trevor today, I am so filled with pride and love but also sadness.   It is so painfully obvious how much he misses you everyday.  He has been so strong and brave, trying his hardest to understand why the sister he loves more than anything is no longer around to play.  He wants so badly for you to be his role model, to look up to you and to ask you for help.

Trevor talks about you every day.   We tell stories about you and look at your pictures.  Usually Mommy and Daddy keep it together but just the other day I completely lost it in front of Mommy and Trevor after I heard your laugh on a video.  And...who came to comfort me but your little brother, giving me a big hug and telling me it will be okay.   Even though he does not have his big sister to keep him in line, I know that you are in his heart and helping to guide him down his path of life.

Mommy and Daddy are so thankful that you provided our family with the model of what to do in the face adversity and pain.   We try our best to make you proud.  To choose love over fear and joy over sadness.  

Carmen, my sweet baby, I miss you so much.  I will always cry when I hear your voice on video.  I will always wish I had one more dance.  I will always wish I could hear you say Daddy again in your little voice.   I will always love you.

Love Mommy and Daddy